‘I Am Writing. This Not For Sympathy!’

Phule-Ambedkar Centre for Philosophy and English Training (PACPET) is an experimental institution run by Kolluri Sathaiah and Amruthamma, a Dalit family of Hyderabad, Tellapur, that is free of cost for students to understand Mahatma Phule, Savitribai Phule, and Ambedkar through reading their texts in English. It provides free accommodation for 20 girls and 20 boys, as well as food and training for one month. Learning the Dignity of Labour is also a key component of this training. The trainees are selected from all over India. Over a period of four years, it trained about 1,100 students in what they call in English Nationalism.  The centre has brought out a book, 'Learning English Nationalism', compiling the writings of their students trained in the centre. This article by Ranipriya is an excerpt from the book.

This is Rani from Kalahandi District of Odisha. I was sent to a hostel when I was in the first class. At that age, a child does not understand separation, responsibility or reason. I only knew that I was away from my mother and home when I still needed warmth, love and protection. Soon after that, my mother gave birth to twins. Her health became very weak and she could not manage the babies alone. Because of this, my father brought me back from the hostel, not to give me care, but to make me responsible for housework and handling babies. At a very small age, my childhood ended. I was no longer a child. I became a helper inside my own home.

Because of this situation, my education suffered badly. I stayed at home for almost two continuous years and my schooling stopped completely. Later, without proper foundation, I was directly admitted into the sixth class. I did not attend school regularly. Sometimes I went only two or three days a week. I had no guidance, no support, and no encouragement. Still, somehow with fear, confusion and silence, I completed my tenth class. Education for me was never smooth; it was always interrupted, delayed and treated as unimportant. After my tenth class, instead of asking me what I wanted to study, marriage proposals started coming from family and society. My parents and people around me believed that a girl of my age was only for marriage, not for dreams. They forced me again and again to agree. But inside my heart, there was one strong desire-I wanted to study further. I wanted higher education. All my friends were getting admission, moving forward, growing. I felt left behind, but I did not give up. I requested my parents day and night. I cried, I argued, I begged. Still, they denied. Finally, after continuous pressure, they agreed only for the sake of formalities. They took me to a neighbouring town for my +2 admission. The institution was Amohamani College, Kalampur. But this admission was only on paper. When my first year Exam came, I went to that college for the first time. I did not know how many subjects were there, how many books were required, what the syllabus was, or how exams worked. No teacher explained anything to me. No one guided me. As a result, I failed
in the12th class. Even after failing, my desire to study did not die. Again, I requested. Again, there were arguments. Again, there was resistance. Somehow, I got admission in another college. But the same thing repeated. My father brought some books like polity and economics and told me to stay at home, do household work and read those books alone, then go and write exams. I didn't even know the meaning of the word "polity." I was from a humble village background. There were no facilities, no environment, no guidance. How could I study alone like this? I failed again. This failure became a weapon against me. I was constantly tortured mentally. I was told again and again that I could not do anything in life, that I was useless, that education was not for me. Still, I asked for another chance. Still, I failed. Not because I was incapable, but because I was never allowed to learn properly. After this, my parents fixed my marriage forcefully. I had no option left. Out of helplessness, I agreed. All the rituals of a Hindu The marriage was completed. But destiny intervened. That boy already loved another girl. When she came to know about the marriage, she raised her voice. She went to my father and even to the police. A case was filed, and that boy was arrested and went to jail for eight to ten months. The marriage was canceled. This incident saved my life in a way I cannot explain. Even after that, many marriage proposals came. I rejected all of them. During this time, my brother returned from Nagaloka, where he had gone for training related to Ambedkarite thought and Buddhism. He understood the value of education, dignity, and freedom. He wanted to take me to Nagaloka for training and learning. But my parents did not agree. They said again and again, "This is not your time to study. This is your marriage age." Society also mocked me, saying I looked old.Finally, my brother and I made a brave decision. Without my parent's permission, while they were sleeping, we left home and went to Nagloka. That journey changed my life. I completed my training there and returned home stronger. But even then, marriage pressure continued. I again demanded my right to study and take 12th admission. My parents refused. Left with no choice, I went to Bangalore in 2018 to earn money. I got a private job. There, for the first time, I clearly saw the value of education. Educated people were respected. They were heard. They were treated with dignity. I was not. That hurt me deeply, but it also strengthened my resolve. COVID came, and everything stopped. I returned home in 2022 with one clear goal: I would complete my education with my own money. My parents said they had no money and could not help me. I told them I would pay for everything myself. Then they could not refuse. I took admission through NIOS in Nuapada district. I stayed in a rented room, taught tuition, and studied. With extreme difficulty and determination, I finally passed my 12th class. Again, marriage pressure started. I clearly said I did not complete 12th for marriage. I completed it for higher studies. After 10-12years of struggle, I deserved education. Slowly, they agreed for a normal B.Sc., but I wanted something meaningful. I wanted nursing. My brothers supported me. I appeared for the nursing entrance. I got selected in DRIEMS University, Cuttack, but the fees were too high so I couldn't join. This is where I came across PACPET's one month program. I applied for the program and got selected for the same. When I entered the PACPET campus, something inside me changed slowly and deeply. For the first time in my life, I felt that I was not being judged by my age, my gender, my failures, or my background. I was learning English Nationalism. I was seen as an equal human being. The environment of PACPET was completely different from what I had known before. There was freedom in the air-freedom to speak, freedom to think, and freedom to exist with dignity. I realized that education is not only about books and exams, but also about confidence, awareness, and self-respect.

At PACPET, there was no discrimination based on caste,  gender, or social status. Everyone was treated equally. This was something I had never experienced in my own home or society. The staff members were not just teachers; they were mentors, guides, and emotional supporters. They listened patiently to individual problems and tried to understand the inner struggles of every student. That care healed many invisible wounds inside me. Sudharshan Sir played a very important role in my life. He did not support me with money, but he gave me something far more
valuable, belief in myself. He always asked about my admission, my future, and my struggles. Even after I left the campus, he stayed connected. His words gave me strength during the most difficult moments of my life. When I was confused and afraid, he reminded me that my life had value and purpose beyond marriage and age. Mani Sir cared for me like a parent. He was deeply concerned about my food, my health, and my emotional state. He always encouraged me to speak freely. When I felt shy or weak in English, he told me that I could express myself in Hindi. That simple permission gave me confidence. For the first time, I felt that my thoughts mattered more than the language I used. His emotional support helped me stand on my feet again. In many ways, PACPET became like a backbone. I shared my entire struggle there with my peer group. I did not receive money, but I received courage, something far more powerful. Sudharshan Sir, Mani Sir, Sathiya Sir, and Soujanya Akka continuously supported me emotionally. They kept asking about my admission, my situation, my future. They treated me like a human being, not like a burden. That continuity of care made me feel that I belonged somewhere. PACPET never treated me as a temporary student; they treated me as family. That sense of belonging gave me the courage to fight for my education. During my time at PACPET, I learned about my rights, my independence, and the laws that protect women. I learned that silence is not strength, raising one's voice is. When gender chapters were taught, I could directly connect them with my own life. For the first time, my pain made sense. I understood that what happened to me was not my fault, it was a result of deep-rooted patriarchy and social injustice. PACPET even offered me a job and suggested that I could continue my studies through distance mode. But I chose regular education because PACPET had already taught me to value proper learning and self-growth. That decision itself was a result of the courage PACPET had planted inside me. For me, PACPET is not just an institute. It is a safe space. It is a temple of equality, courage, and humanity. It gave me the strength to say no to forced marriage and yes to my dreams. It taught me that a woman's life does not end with age or social pressure. It begins when she recognizes her worth. Whatever courage I carry today, whatever confidence I show,
and whatever future I am building all of it has roots in PACPET. It gave me a voice when I was silent, hope when I was broken, and direction when I was lost. The atmosphere of PACPET is full of compassion. Teachers are not distant authorities; they are approachable human beings. They remember students even after they leave the campus. That continued connection itself gives strength. When someone keeps asking, "How are you now?" It heals wounds that medicine cannot. Finally, l got admission in Prativa Devi Nursing College, Bhubaneswar, with a 50% scholarship. Today, I am in my third year of nursing. Here, I understood that in my home, only marriage was important, not education, not women's dreams, not dignity. My life was never easy. But today, I am alive. I am studying. I am resisting. This is not just my story. This is the story of many women whose dreams are buried under marriage pressure, poverty and patriarchy. I am writing this not for sympathy, but for change.

‘Learning English Nationalism’ is published by PACPET, Hyderabad, Tellapur. For copies, contact: Pallikonda Manikanta through WhatsApp (09491827637) or email askes2022@gmail.com